I have to say, my Mama is one of the most insightful women I
know. I am truly blessed by our relationship and benefit so much from her
advice and perspective. When we were talking the other night, the subject of living
life as a wife and mother of 3 came up. And this is something she shared with
me. (I’m totally paraphrasing here!)
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When a man and a woman are first attracted to one another
they spend a lot of time together. When they are an engaged couple, and even
when they are newlyweds, they still spend a lot of time together. This time is
spent doing things together but also
just being together.
Unfortunately, for most, this changes once they start
growing their family. And this separation becomes more pronounced the more
children they are blessed with. Why is this? It comes about because of a seemingly
logical mentality that parents fall into: the divide-and-conquer mentality. As
their family grows, so does the workload. There are bills to pay, a household
to maintain, mouths to feed, laundry and dishes to be done, boo-boos to kiss, quarrels
to be refereed, lessons to be taught, prayers to be said…and the list goes on.
In fact it is endless. This being the case, it seems logical that they assign
themselves the specific tasks that each one – separately – will complete. The idea
being they can get more done this way. And then once all is done (again, the
idea is) they will be able to meet back up at the end to spend some couple time
together.
But what really happens? There never is a time when all
things are crossed off their lists. The tasks and responsibilities that go with
raising a family are endless, continuous and often repetitive (as in you end up
doing the same tasks over and over and over again every…single…day). So, that
much need couple time – the time spent reconnecting and rekindling – gets pushed
to the bottom of the list.
What, then, is the alternative? It is the do-it-together
mentality…the come-along-side-each-other way of living. Why always go it alone?
That is not what marriage is meant to be – not what it is in its very nature.
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My mother’s words make so much sense. Her insight, which
comes in part from her almost 60 years of living life and in part through the
Holy Spirit’s gift of Wisdom, penetrates to the core of the matter. Where one
is good, two are better. Two can conquer,
where one just flounders. We were not created to be alone, and marriage
especially speaks to this truth.
So what would this look like in the everyday? It will look different for each couple and each family. What is most important is being able to eke out togetherness in the midst of one's particular responsibilities and life as a family.
Perhaps while
one washes dishes the other could be drying them or even sitting close by
helping the kids with their homework. While one works on some home project the
other could sit close by and hand him, or her, the needed tools or even read aloud
a book they’d both enjoy. While one is bathing the kids the other could be nearby
folding clothes or waiting, towel in hand, to grab each dripping wet child as
they exit the bath.
Will this always work? No, not always. Will it take some
planning? Yes, and probably even some trial and error. But the reality is that
doing-it-alone is a lonely way of living. The divide-and-conquer mentality just
leads to couples who have no time to connect, no time to build and strengthen
their relationship. By purposefully choosing to do these (often mundane and non-preferred) tasks together, you
actually get to be together…as a couple.
You are able to work alongside each other, united as the two-become-one-flesh
you were meant to be and, in reality, are by nature of your marriage.
There is so much in our world – and even within ourselves –
that rises up to separate us as couples. Coming along side one’s spouse in the
daily grind of life is just one way to thwart these attacks. Shouldn’t we do
everything in our power to strengthen our marriages?
For, if our marriages are strong, our families
will be too. And truly what is more important: crossing every last thing off
your list or living out your life as a husband and a wife, as a father and a mother,
united in love?
And thanks Mama. I love you more than words can say...
My Mama, Me and baby A
