Coming along side one’s spouse in the daily grind of life...

I have to say, my Mama is one of the most insightful women I know. I am truly blessed by our relationship and benefit so much from her advice and perspective. When we were talking the other night, the subject of living life as a wife and mother of 3 came up. And this is something she shared with me. (I’m totally paraphrasing here!)

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When a man and a woman are first attracted to one another they spend a lot of time together. When they are an engaged couple, and even when they are newlyweds, they still spend a lot of time together. This time is spent doing things together but also just being together. 

Unfortunately, for most, this changes once they start growing their family. And this separation becomes more pronounced the more children they are blessed with. Why is this? It comes about because of a seemingly logical mentality that parents fall into: the divide-and-conquer mentality. As their family grows, so does the workload. There are bills to pay, a household to maintain, mouths to feed, laundry and dishes to be done, boo-boos to kiss, quarrels to be refereed, lessons to be taught, prayers to be said…and the list goes on. In fact it is endless. This being the case, it seems logical that they assign themselves the specific tasks that each one – separately – will complete. The idea being they can get more done this way. And then once all is done (again, the idea is) they will be able to meet back up at the end to spend some couple time together. 

But what really happens? There never is a time when all things are crossed off their lists. The tasks and responsibilities that go with raising a family are endless, continuous and often repetitive (as in you end up doing the same tasks over and over and over again every…single…day). So, that much need couple time – the time spent reconnecting and rekindling – gets pushed to the bottom of the list.

What, then, is the alternative? It is the do-it-together mentality…the come-along-side-each-other way of living. Why always go it alone? That is not what marriage is meant to be – not what it is in its very nature. 

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My mother’s words make so much sense. Her insight, which comes in part from her almost 60 years of living life and in part through the Holy Spirit’s gift of Wisdom, penetrates to the core of the matter. Where one is good, two are better.  Two can conquer, where one just flounders. We were not created to be alone, and marriage especially speaks to this truth. 

So what would this look like in the everyday? It will look different for each couple and each family. What is most important is being able to eke out togetherness in the midst of one's particular responsibilities and life as a family. 

Perhaps while one washes dishes the other could be drying them or even sitting close by helping the kids with their homework. While one works on some home project the other could sit close by and hand him, or her, the needed tools or even read aloud a book they’d both enjoy. While one is bathing the kids the other could be nearby folding clothes or waiting, towel in hand, to grab each dripping wet child as they exit the bath. 

Will this always work? No, not always. Will it take some planning? Yes, and probably even some trial and error. But the reality is that doing-it-alone is a lonely way of living. The divide-and-conquer mentality just leads to couples who have no time to connect, no time to build and strengthen their relationship. By purposefully choosing to do these (often mundane and non-preferred) tasks together, you actually get to be together…as a couple. You are able to work alongside each other, united as the two-become-one-flesh you were meant to be and, in reality, are by nature of your marriage. 

There is so much in our world – and even within ourselves – that rises up to separate us as couples. Coming along side one’s spouse in the daily grind of life is just one way to thwart these attacks. Shouldn’t we do everything in our power to strengthen our marriages?  For, if our marriages are strong, our families will be too. And truly what is more important: crossing every last thing off your list or living out your life as a husband and a wife, as a father and a mother, united in love?

And thanks Mama. I love you more than words can say...

 My Mama, Me and baby A